lately i've been so mentally out of it

like, i've been looking down at my hands while i write and it feels so disconnected from my mind.

i know i'm the one moving my arms, but it doesn't feel like it. it doesn't seem like it.

and my sense of time has been all over the place.

it almost feels like the second i settle into myself and reflect on my day i forget how i got to where i am.

i'll walk across campus and back and by the time i'm back to my room it feels like the last twenty mintues were some sort of temporal illusion.

it's hard not to feel isolated in your own body when you don't even feel like you have agency

but i also love being isolated.

i feel like i'm the only person who will ever understand myself.

and i know that i don't understand myself.

so what will?

i don't mean that to be cryptic at all. i really feel don't know what it means to be understood.

but i would like to think that even then, the universe at least hears me.

i think it's always listening. every thought i have feels very important to me

because if i never had that thought, everything might be different?

and that's also something i like to think about.

but i'm not sure if i want everything to be different. even if i feel disconnected